A turning of the celestial wheel

Thoughts around my 44th birthday, my new show and using the word trans

Hiding, 2024

Last week I turned 44. I celebrated with friends at a comedy show, and had some lovely conversations on the phone with people who live far away. But the extra year felt like the thirtieth most important happening that day and that week. Having just experienced the election of a would-be, neo-fascist dictator, coming out as queer and now as trans, and trying my hand at stand-up comedy for the first time - they all felt more significant than the turning of the celestial wheel marking my time in this body.

The decision to articulate my trans identity to the public came swiftly and decisively during, and especially after, the election when I realized that no matter where I landed in my gender journey I would be facing increased public prejudice and restrictions on my freedom- like the rest of the queer community.

Letting go, 2023-2024

The relative peacefulness of the Biden administration feels like an illusion after the election results, but one that had lulled me into thinking I had more time to waffle and be safe in my uncertainty. Now that I am out, I am hopeful and grateful to be finally accessing a deeply hidden part of my soul and to be giving myself the gift of true authenticity.

Even so the word trans feels charged and vulnerable, which is why I think it scared me to use it about myself until now. The shift from queer to trans has felt the most radical in that it is about more than just language or identity- it often involves a physical change like new hormones, extra hair, and top surgery. It clearly scares and confuses a lot of other people too as trans folks are the subject of the most heated public debates and the nastiest attacks - although Trump’s campaign ad that used the slogan “Kamala is for they/them” always sounded like an endorsement to me.

I feel overwhelmed and tired imagining the many radical changes that will take place in my body and in America over the next few years. I am trying to access the part of myself that feels strong and not afraid and endlessly resourced to tackle whatever is thrown at me. But it’s funny how so many quotidien things like parking tickets, rejection letters, and dirty dishes - so many dirty spoons! - feel momentous when you are also trying to change your life and with it the world.

This is where art comes in, has always come in. Painting has been a tool I have used to express my many unsaid thoughts over the years, and to communicate parts of myself that have had trouble finding an outlet in words.

My show that opened last week at COL Gallery is a collection of smaller paintings that I made between 2022-2024. They were made in fits and starts, often quickly, in between the work I made for shows. I chose the title Rainbow’s End because it suggests this mythological place that regardless of cultural reference, offers a utopian promise, a magical holding space for our better selves where we are free to live in abundance. It’s also a feeling: a longing for completion and happy endings that may never go away.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops, 2023

While making this work I was very much in between what I had left behind in San Francisco and during the pandemic, and where I wanted to be. Being able to find beauty in that and express it to others through color and form has made it easier and more meaningful.

If you would like to check out the whole show, you can go to COL Gallery’s viewing room here.