This week on The Side Woo, Liz and I talk with trans artist Eli Thorne. He shares his experience coming out and eventually transitioning as a man, dating as a man for the first time on the hellscape known as Tinder, the dark spiral that is Instagram, and how he feels about becoming a dad with his long-time partner
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This conversation made me think a lot about self-compassion and self-love as a direct line to a greater understanding of others. For one, the recording equipment we use went totally bananas during the call. First, it was Liz with her headset not connecting which caused a weird echo. Then, no sooner had we solved it than my internet began dropping out. Then Zencastr stopped recording. And finally, my audio tracks did not download. I spent a couple of hours after the call in deep quiet panic that I would never get them back.
As evidenced by the final episode, we were able to retrieve most of the audio files thanks to a miracle of technology and Zencastr’s staff, but I had to contend with some deep shame that things didn’t go smoothly, and it was my fault.
While that was literally my worst podcast nightmare come to life (other than actually losing the entire audio track), I learned to be more compassionate and patient with myself. In some ways, the mistakes ended up making the conversation a lot looser, and dare I say more fun, than some of the conversations where everything runs like clockwork- if slightly less polished.
This episode was a big one and like most of our conversations, I had a couple of aha moments during it. Eli generously shared his own issues with fatphobia and his complicated identity growing up as an athlete, a cis woman and a queer person. Before this, I had never really considered the juggling act I had performed in high school as a fast-pitch softball player, trying to look appealing as a woman and trying to optimize my body to be good at the sport. Sports, especially ones that are all-encompassing like fast-pitch was, cultivate their own subcultural codes. This means you are constantly battling expectations from inside and outside your team life.
Another realization was that I had also never considered yelling to express anger as gendered, which is something Eli talks about experiencing after he began taking testosterone. I grew up with a mom that rarely kept her frustration quiet (thanks in part to family history and her Italian heritage). I had always seen it as relatively normal for women to be loud, if not somewhat at odds with the Scandinavian culture of the Midwest. As such, I grew up as a loud, occasional yeller and only learned out in the world that there might be another way to communicate when upset.
These moments of clarity, articulated so well by Eli, made me want to give myself a big hug. The conversation allowed me to take a wider lens and realize that these are just two of many under-the-radar factors that have contributed to my worldview, and the challenges that have shaped my understanding of myself.
While this may not popular, the same is true for the negative traits of cis white men like toxic masculinity and mansplaining. Eli talks about his compassion for these behaviors after having transitioned, and how he believes many bad-behaving cis-men are just “rule-followers” without an outlet.
Eli: I think some of that layered anger is that I am white and now male-passing. I am part of a group of people that have acted as our oppressors. And so there's the anger of that. But also simultaneously trying to battle, right? The way that I act sometimes is like that, and that is a mind fuck.
Sarah: Do you have more compassion for cis white men now?
Eli: Absolutely. It's easier for me to see the framework and that for the most part, they're just being rule followers. They've been beaten down into this shell of a person in a way, where the only thing that can really foster is resentment and anger and frustration.
There are very few ways to be expressive other than being physically violent or angry (as a man). You can't cry. You can't make art beautifully. You can't dance. There are just so many feminine things that help process anger, right?
Hopefully, it’s obvious that I’m not making an all-men-everywhere commentary. I know plenty of cis, white men that are doing their part to rewrite gender norms and be allies to oppressed populations. But what Eli said gets to the core of some of the toughest aspects of masculinity in America. And thinking about it breaks my heart for the loneliness and the unreleased hurt of the men who find themselves without a healthy outlet or way to communicate their pain. It’s easy to villainize people, but important to remember we are only as strong as our weakest link.
But what to do about it?
Compassion can only get us so far. My mind immediately jumps to stricter gun control and mandatory meditation/mindfulness training in schools to start. What are your thoughts?