In 2nd grade, I had a teacher named Mr. Phelps. I will never forget him. He was a nice man with gray hair and twinkly eyes like Santa Claus - or at least in my memory. He made bronze sculptures and was one of the first adults in my life who supported and elevated my art. He lifted up my drawings, all the way from the two-foot high table where I made my drawings to the classroom’s wall of fame where the students’ artwork would be displayed all year long. He once even complimented me on my 70’s-style fashion designs that I used to draw in my sketchbook saying he missed the wild gender-bending fashions of that era. I had no idea what he was talking about, but played it cool. I have a feeling that Mr. Phelps would have loved Burning Man.
One of the things I most remember about the classroom, other than his tabletop bronze clown fish sculpture, was a sign that said “Mistakes Are Grate.” Obviously, the correct spelling is great. Had I worked there now, the misspelling would probably have grated on my last nerve. But at the time it offered a safe space for all us young folk growing up in a tidy Minnesotan suburb, with its German and Scandinavian love of order, to make mistakes and let our hair down.
This premise, that mistakes help you learn and typos are inevitable, has been reiterated by self-help gurus and tech bros alike with slogans like “Fail up.” But the difference between saying it and doing it is huge.
It takes real guts and humility to fail publicly, but if the person can stay the course we often learn so much from people who do it and share their lessons along the way.
Acknowledging mistakes is really hard. Our brains don’t like it. I wrote about cognitive dissonance in a previous post: why it’s important to growth and building compassion for people we want to other. The fact that it is hard and useful seems to be intertwined as if it wouldn’t be so good for you if you didn’t feel completely humbled and possibly humiliated by being wrong.
It takes a lot of energy and courage to make mistakes in public. It’s hard enough for me to admit fault to my mom when I take a wrong turn while visiting for the holidays.
Me: I grew up here, I know where that is, MOM.
Also me: ***blows past exit**
One public mistake-maker that I really admire is Elizabeth Gilbert. I remember hearing her on an episode of Super Soul Sunday where she talked with Oprah about giving speeches to inspire people. The message was “follow their passion” and everything will work out. This simple advice triggered a bunch of her audience members who felt that either they didn’t have a clear passion, or that the reality of following their creative passion wasn’t coming to fruition in a way that paid the bills. What if not everyone is meant to have a career from their calling? (This is a great subject for another post.)
After getting so many negative comments from listeners and audience members, she realized that maybe her advice wasn’t as helpful as she had hoped. During this interview with Oprah, she reflected that she had been wrong to push people into this perspective, perhaps a little idealistic.
I fall into this trap as well with all my Scorpio stellium, the astrological sign most associated with cult leaders. I also have a Neptune placement that makes me vulnerable to idealizing others, aka joining cults. When I’m really in that zone I am thinking, if you visualize your goal enough, work hard enough, keep the course long enough you will reach it.
But what if your goal is the wrong one? What if the whole mission is flawed? Better to be curious and learn why things aren’t working than to flagellate yourself until you reach your misguided goal only to find that you don’t want it - or worse.
JK Rowling of the Harry Potter series does not fare as well in the failing with grace department. During the pandemic Rowling famously tweeted her opinions that can only be described as transphobic, although I don’t believe she sees it that way. If you’re not caught up, you can read the full timeline here.
After she was officially canceled, she was invited to share an uninterrupted version of her side of the story on a podcast called The Witch Trials of JK Rowling. The podcast also interviewed a handful of fans, former fans, and trans rights activists, then the interviewer shared their responses with Rowling.
At the end of the series, with all the information on the table in a much less hysterical environment than Twitter, Rowling still refused to budge on her opinion. It felt like a missed opportunity to me, among other things. At the very least she could have been curious about why the people who disagreed with her felt so upset, which then could have opened things up to a bigger conversation that could have really helped a lot of people. We can’t just stay on our own sides and expect for there to be healing.
This dynamic made me think back to fights I have had with family where I, too, have failed to budge in my opinion, causing more hurt than necessary. In one arguement my dad came up with a tagline called “Sarah’s Rules” with which he would say every time I was getting too stuck on my version of what was right and what was wrong (in his opinion).
In my defense, I was the only one who had been to therapy at that point and I was frustrated that people weren’t playing fair. But ultimately to make peace, you have to show vulnerability whether or not you get to be “right.” I was not ready to be vulnerable and face the threat of losing my position.
What happens when you acknowledge there’s maybe, like, a slight possibility that, like, maybe we could both be right? Or you concede? Or you give in? Buried in my fixed stance was a deep fear that to give an inch would be to lose myself completely. I think this goes back to people pleasing and how it easy it is to lose your center when you don’t center on yourself.
Some happenings
In case you missed it, The Side Woo’s last podcast episode with Ben Venom. Our next interview is with Griff Williams of Gallery 16, recorded back in November.
Saturday February 3 - Opening of Pure Beauty at Eleanor Harwood Gallery in SF. Bay Area folks, I will be in town for this so come by the opening! First Saturdays at MSP from 5-7pm.
Wednesday February 7 - Art Date Social Club Book Club - Rick Ruben’s The Creative Act Join for this 8-week online book club where we use this beautiful tribute to the creative process as inspiration for conversations and writing prompts. Art Date Social Club is my new group for queer and BIPOC-friendly meet-ups focused on building community, skill sharing and getting inspired.
Thursday February 8 - Art Date Social Club Monthly Meet-up. A monthly online meet-up to network and go over some relevant themes for artists.
Saturday February 10 - Plein Air Painting in Canyon Hills in Glendale. This is a free outdoor painting meet-up for people in the area. RSVP with the link. Kids welcome. This hike will include about 10 minutes of walkign on a dirt trail, so dress accordingly.
Artists - you are welcome to join the new Art Date Social Club WhatsApp group. Respond to this email and I can forward you the link to join. It’s a group for resource sharing, job postings, calls for entry and other fun connection-based activities.
Failing at something you love and choose to do with all your heart is one of the best practices because it creates space to learn and grow. But failing at something you don't love and do out of necessity damages the places in your heart that don't believe in you anyway. Grate things to think about 🌝 Thank you, Sarah!
Embracing mistakes is such a gift. Making room for them is important, and to have a teacher imbue that to students...in love with Mr. Phelps. Some of the best art starts with a mistake. I've learned new routes from making a wrong turn. It's all useful stuff, something to learn from. We have to learn to embrace our humanness, and that means all of our flubs and flaws. It's so much more fun that way. Loved that we twinned out posts this week, Sarah. Love yours. xo