Nobody likes being called ma'am
Ma'am, the boner killer of gender euphoria and generally gross title
Dear readers,
I’m introducing a new column within the Art Date architecture today called TransPort. I will filter all gender-exploratory essays through this new vertical. If you wish to unsubscribe, you can do so after you receive the first email with Art Date + TransPort in the “Sender” description, without missing out on Art Date essays. But if you wish to follow along, just do nothing and essays will magickally hit your inbox.
I am starting this new series because the need for more visibility and pride in my identity has made itself clear, as trans folks and kids everywhere are being offered a dark mirror of who they are rather than just being treated as normal - which is all we want right?
Representation means that maybe for a moment you can step into the sun of attention and be celebrated, but mostly representation is important so you people can see themselves as normal, fine, ok, good enough. I want trans people to see my opinion as one of many valid opinions people might have about being genderqueer, and to include those who are not trans in the conversation. I want to echo Sarah McBride’s sentiments that we can only win people over on gender politics, and really anything that we disagree with people on, through grace and inclusion. As soon as we start to cancel and cut off, we create more division.
Some subjects I hope to tackle include public bathrooms as the apex of personal-meets-public shame spirals, why taking hormones isn’t that big of a deal, and boobs schmoobs. But also, yay boobs.
Thanks for following along! If you want to contribute or be interviewed for this series, please reach out.
Nobody likes being called ma'am - like for real.
Every woman of a certain age will remember the moment that they went from being called Miss, to Ma’am. Even when I returned to Paris a couple years ago and for the first time Mademoiselle gave way, almost unanimously, to Madame, it stung. These labels are so charged for women who are told that their age equates to their fuckability and therefore their value. Like flowers, there is a moment where women are perfect and then a point where they begin to wilt. In France, where gender dynamics are often exaggerated and hypersexualized, graduating to Madame feels like a harsh sentencing to a life of invisibility.
In America, I would argue Ma’am is even worse. While the French are perhaps more rigid with their gender roles, as my friend Dee says très non-woke, their emphasis on romance and out-of-the-box relationships means that even les Madames get laid a bunch. Ladies like Philippine Leroy-Beaulieu, who plays Sylvie Grateau in Emily in Paris, are still seen as smoking hot, whereas there are much fewer “hot” American women in their 60s in media. Not that that is the only marker of value of course.
Meanwhile ma’am is frumpy, dowdy, sexless and perhaps bitter about it. Ma’am takes revenge on customer service people, and neighbors on NextDoor with her careful eye and judgemental tone. Ma’am is not up on the latest trends, or listening to music that anyone would consider cool. Perhaps because I grew up in the midwest, and because my family skewed to the informal, the title of ma’am also has a certain reference to old school patriarchy and colonialism: Karens, wives of slave owners, or strict Victorian Head Mistresses- but not in a fun way.
But as much of a boner killer as it is to imagine the kind of woman ma’am implies and be associated with her, it is even more so to be called that when you no longer identify as a woman. Ma’am is gender affirming to no one.
Luckily, thinks all trans guys battling with gender dysphoria, ma’am will be a thing of the past. Now that I am taking hormones and going by new pronouns, I will get to live out my dude fantasy and be like one of the Beastie Boys, or something.
Not so fast, little dude, says the universe. (Fun fact a lot of trans guys are short.)
For pre-op, pre-facial hair, pre-name change trans dudes, especially over a certain age, ma’am is an inevitable part of life. It’s on the phone with any customer service person who is trying so hard to be polite, and even after being corrected, can come up with no better way to show deference. It’s at the hardware store where you’re buying spackle or hardware, and the customer service rep, if you can find one, is just trying to be inclusive because there’s a woman in their store. It’s at Trader Joe’s while you’re wearing a boob-masking jacket and a baseball cap, buying gender-neutral bread and tubs of Mediterranean hummus. It’s at your new job where you have already told people your pronouns. If you’re over 40, it’s truly everywhere.
Getting called ma’am every day is a stark reminder of how much of this early gender transition process happens in the unseen realms. Some might even say in a fantasyland. As a trans person, you are constantly seeking proof that what you know to be true on your inside is seen and accepted as reality by others. That’s why pronouns matter. It’s a small, perhaps inconvenient to some, way of showing that, yes, I see you. Your reality checks out.
For this reason, connecting with intuition and being able to hold space for inner truth - hard for everyone - is incredibly important for someone working against the grain of society the way that trans and queer people often are. It was why I had to quit drinking and carve out stillness in my life before I was able to re-hear my inner voice that was telling me there was something more that I was missing. I had created enough noise that when I did meet trans folks, I missed it. My inner mirror was blocked.
What is the answer? For starters, can we come up with a less obnoxious term for ma’am? Even being called Ma dahhhme in a bad French accent would be preferable. I’m open to suggestions, but here are few ideas from the internet:
Friend (a doctor once called me this and I have to say, hard pass)
Esteemed Guest (sure)
Honored Patron (yes, please)
Your Excellency (yes, only at Trader Joe’s )
Your Highness (this is getting more and more ridiculous)
Repeating “Hello?” multiple times until the person turns around or answers
Hey, you! (yelled at person, only from across the room)
You there! accompanied with pointing gestures
Hopefully this gives people preferable gender and age-neutral alterantives to Ma’am so we can start integrating them into our lives and our customer service practices. Feel free to leave yours below.
Coming up
The Third Way at Electra Gallery - Santa Fe, NM
I will be showing some new pieces I made in San Francisco this past month as part of a group exhibition at Georgia Electra’s space in Santa Fe. Opening is this Friday from 5-8pm. Later in the month we will be doing a live panel conversation for my podcast.
