This morning I had a therapy intake session and the therapist was late. I was prompted into a frenzy while waiting because I saw on my insurance dashboard that my plan was listed as expired. (Don’t worry it was not.) But before I knew that, I thought maybe Covered CA had not transferred my information over, or something.
I called the insurance hotline, furiously pressing 0 as many times as possible to jump to Customer Representative on the phone tree. As I did I noticed that my ragey 0-punches was basically proof at how much I need therapy (Welcome to Crazytown, USA). But also that we all do because these bureaucracies feel designed to make us go insane, and yet we are forced to muddle through them.
Finally after waiting on hold for 7 minutes, assuming my coverage had somehow lapsed only 2 weeks into the year, the therapist came online. She apologized because she had just been in a crisis. The fact of this is only settling in now as I’m writing, and my empathy for what that could have been and how hard it must be to sit through as only the intake specialist did not register in the moment.
Instead, all I could feel was my body go into major fight or flight mode, between the stress of thinking my health insurance had lapsed and the irritation of having an unreliable therapist who now had the power to “diagnose” me.
Then there was the form I had filled out online about my mental health state just to qualify for this intake session. Apparently, it was no good here, so now I had to start back at square one and tell this woman, a stranger, everything I had put into the form which I assume would also include lots of rating things on a scale of one to five. If I did not qualify, I would not get my therapy covered by the insurance company, who also ran the medical facilities. If I did qualify, it means there is something “wrong” with me. Cool, cool.
“Don’t we all deserve therapy?” I asked. She didn’t disagree but said that the insurance would not pay for it unless there was a medical issue- as if therapy was like plastic surgery that people went to for medically unnecessary touch-ups when they were feeling fat or old. But then again now that I say that, maybe we do?
I told her indignantly that I have been going to therapy for the better part of my adult life, and basically know what’s wrong with me. And, I don’t exactly want to make myself vulnerable in front of a total stranger who I will never see again, only for them to get to decide whether I am stressed or anxious or depressed enough to deserve financial support from my insurance. Trust me insurance providers and congresspeople everywhere, WE ALL ARE.
After the last few years we have had, coming up on a decade if you factor in the Tr*mp presidency, we all deserve free therapy. No copayment, no required intake with a person who will not be your therapist. You get to interview them and decide if you want to tell them all your dirty laundry, not the other way around. No muss, no fuss.
But also, I don’t think I would benefit from a diagnosis at this stage in my life. I just want to have someone to talk to who knows about relationship triangulation and self-esteem issues, and doesn’t know any of my friends so I can talk about them without the person having to choose sides. At the same time, I want someone who is unequivocally on my side, but also who can kick my butt when I need it. And I want the government to pay for my self-improvement because a better me equals a better citizen, equals a better country, right?
That’s what a lot of us want, someone to witness who we are and what we are doing. To show us we are not alone, and that we are valuable.
The end of the story is that I told her thank you, but I was not feeling right in body and that meant this wasn’t the right thing for me at the moment. I promptly looked up some local group therapy meetings and went to a spiritual circle run by a friend.
I felt a million times better after the meet-up because it mirrored me and my experiences. I realized that’s what a lot of us want: someone to witness who we are and what we are doing. To show us we are not alone, and that we are valuable.
While we work on fixing therapy so that it is more equitable and available to the masses, maybe we can try to therapize each other a little more? What would it look like to be present for one another like Thich Nhat Hanh suggests with deep listening?
Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. You can call it compassionate listening. You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her to empty his heart. Even if he says things that are full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable of continuing to listen with compassion. Because you know that listening like that, you give that person a chance to suffer less. If you want to help him to correct his perception, you wait for another time. For now, you don't interrupt. You don't argue. If you do, he loses his chance. You just listen with compassion and help him to suffer less. One hour like that can bring transformation and healing. - Thich Nhat Hanh
I realize being present won’t fix every problem, especially if you’re not healthy enough to stay present. And I will probably end up going to therapy, despite my grumblings. But maybe we can channel this new Pluto in Aquarius energy to revolutionize the way we see mental health support so it’s less of an extra and more of an essential to a healthy life.