What can loneliness tell us about how to feel more connected?
Notes from my diary in March 2023
As a preamble to what I wrote below, I was sifting through my browser tabs and found this Google doc marked LA Diary March 2023. I promise it has not been open for 9 months although I do love a good emotional support tab.
I have in the past rigorously kept a diary, especially while traveling, but at some point in the pandemic, my desire to write about myself and my day disappeared. I turned instead to speculative fiction and screenwriting a rom-com set in Greece. (It’s really good IMHO and has nothing to do with ABBA although I’m open to negotiation.)
I got on Substack so that I would force myself to check in with me and write down the things that I was experiencing rather than bottling them up on a regular basis. Painting is good for so many things, but it’s not always good for getting words out of your head and into the world.
So anyway, I found this diary entry and thought that it might be helpful for people going through their own holidaze moment or seasonal sadness. If you’re nervous about reading too much darkness, I promise it’s more about personal growth and caring for one another than anything else. At the end of the essay, I included a video of Under Pressure as a palate cleanser.
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Things that make me feel lonely:
Moving to a new city and not knowing where I fit in
Being in a relationship that doesn’t feel right - romantic or friend or family
Transitioning away from current friend group, outgrowing people or vice versa
Sheltering in place during a pandemic
Being trapped by social norms
Doing something that makes me ashamed or feel like I am not valuable
Spending too much time alone
Spending too much time around the wrong people
Not being myself - not letting myself shine, making myself small, being someone to fit in
Forgetting who I am
Trying something new by myself
These are different types of loneliness but the common thread feels like a lack of confidence either because of a situation or self-imposed restrictions, which ultimately can tie one to a situation that isn’t working.
Since moving to LA I have experienced extended periods of loneliness. It’s awkward to say as a grown *ss adult woman. And for those reading it who live in the city, I promise this is not a cry for help or a bitter essay on why didn’t you text me more. Rather it is a reflection on what it is to make a major life change to a new city in one’s mid-life. Is there a benefit in this untethering from all you know to make a gamble on a new city? The jury is still out, to be honest. I don’t know that I have been here long enough to make a verdict.
When I first arrived, I worked from home with a remote team, and then would work in my studio alone for hours. To relax I would go on long hikes, first alone and then with various meetup groups with other oddball introverts who love climbing up untended trails in Griffith Park. I was still getting my bearings and felt too raw to put myself out there by going to art openings alone.
I am naturally very social so this new dynamic, the untethered freeness that comes with making a major life change, felt deeply uprooting and slightly traumatic. But I made a pact with myself that in LA I wouldn’t chase anything or anyone. If it is not for me, I will let it go and that has served me well so far.
What are these feelings of loneliness really telling me? It feels like they are me pushing against my internalized restrictions. I am trying to change the shape of the boxes I put myself in and this loneliness feels connected to anxiety about moving beyond the limitations.
What is my blind spot? What does my shadow get out of this? How can I put myself more in the center of the narrative?
One thing that loneliness does is prioritize other people. Other people hold the value, the spark, the fun that you want, which is why it’s so painful when you don’t have it. If you had it, you would feel great and go around naturally attracting people wherever you went. Or so it seems.
Is it possible to learn how to identify with the kind of person who has a spark, the thing of value, the fun? For starters, change the narrative from “I’m the not fun one” to “I’m a person who has things to offer,” then start offering them.
The challenge is getting too far in the weeds and feeling overwhelmed or like the first person to reject you is a reflection of who you are.
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I saw a homeless man today moving stuff around from the front lawn of a house in Los Feliz to I didn’t know where. He was wrestling with a cushion and some blankets and carried it across the street and then I had to go so I didn’t see what happened next. What struck me is how common it is for homeless people to have way more stuff than they know what to do with. This is said with the utmost respect for their humanity and the fact that it takes a lot of stuff to care for a person. I also know that in the past when I spoke to houseless people in San Francisco, they were often less interested in the immediate survival needs than specific kinds of things - money of course, but also fancy cheeses, curry, and coffee. It’s not to say that they aren’t living in a position of constant food insecurity, but what I really saw from a lot of these homeless people who spend day in and day out alone in abject poverty, is it is perhaps the deepest kind of loneliness. The kind of loneliness that dehumanizes you even to yourself. This may be me projecting onto their situations.
But I have this sense that what the homeless need more than anything is love and attention. And I don’t mean saccharine love or being naive. Tough love, acceptance, non-judgment, non-attachment. And then they need someone to help them internalize that love for themselves.
Isn’t that what we all need? To stop searching outward for love and acceptance and find it inside first so we can help others?
I’m not sure how to proceed but I feel that is the kernel for something bigger down the line. There is going to be a way to connect with the homeless community here and I’m just not sure what it is yet other than talking to people and making them know that I see them and accept them. That can be very powerful.