What is the opposite of cancel culture?
How to be trans and embrace the people that hate you
Regardless of who wins the election in November, and I pray every chance I get for a future Madame President, we as a country will remain divided. The polls, while not reflective of every voice in our country, show an almost even split amongst voters. Liberals like me shake our heads in disbelief and wonder, how is this possible?
But the next question needs to be, how do we fix it? How do we bridge a divide between people that hate people like me and everything I stand for, and people like me who, at best, feel sorry for those I see as on the wrong side of history?
Unfortunately, like the bad apple, those on the wrong side, whatever you think that is, will continue to ruin quality of life for the whole batch until we can come to a consensus, or at least a peaceful honoring of one another’s positions without violating major civil and personal rights to life, liberty, and a pursuit of happiness. Not an easy ask.
As someone, who until now has enjoyed the privileges of a straight, cis identity and is from Minnesota at a more conservative time in its history, I have been exposed to many people who I disagreed with, but with whom I was able to forge relationships and longstanding friendships. I acknowledge this was, in part, because I looked like them. And while I didn’t have children or get married, they did not see me as scary or a threat to their way of life. I did a lot of doorknocking for the Democrats in my old neighborhood in Minnetonka in 2018. Even then I knew that it was my cis whiteness that made it possible for me to go seamlessly around the mostly-white, red to purple neighborhoods in the suburbs without getting the police called on me, or worse.
As a queer, non-binary, trans-masc person whose appearance may continue to shift, and whose choice of partners may rock the boat in some places, I am concerned that I will lose the ease with which I move through the world. And most regrettably, I worry I will lose the ability to randomly chat up strangers the way I do, something I learned from my dad who talked to everyone he met.
I was offered comfort watching the new film, Will and Harper, with Will Farrell and his long-time writer friend from SNL, Harper Steele. Before transitioning Harper loved taking solo trips and stopping in all the darkest, dankest dives in middle America, but feared doing so after her transition. Will agrees to go with her, acting as a sort of buffer for any potential threats, while getting to know the new her that is finally able to be herself.
It is a really touching film for so many reasons. It shows the long-term effects of Harper’s years of closeting, and the massive freedom found in transitioning. In Will we see an example of how to be vulnerable and curious around the changes his newly trans friend is going through. Despite the heavy moments, the two keep it light with their top-of-the-class comedic timing, and spontaneous bits.
But most relevant to this essay is the way that Harper is embraced, if not totally understood, all across America (except Texas). Yes there were confederate flags, ugly tweets and misgendered pronouns, but overall people were welcoming and curious to hear more about her. I was struck by the courage Harper had to engage with people she knew might reject her and be patient as mistakes were made.
This made me wonder whether there might be a path forward in connecting people of different backgrounds and trying to find common ground, rather than ostracizing those who you disagree with. Not to be hypocritical and say that I am Mother Teresa bringing people together. Just a couple of days ago I had a big argument with a queer friend because she was planning not to vote at all, which I disagreed with. A vote for no one is only helping Trump, I told her. She didn’t see the logic and refused to participate in an election that didn’t reflect her values.
We found our way on the other side of it, but it got heated and I almost walked out at one point. (I blame it on the full moon.) I can imagine trying to persuade someone who is even more diametrically opposed, and how impossible that would feel. But what are our options? Do we keep things polite and not talk about politics? Do we sell the liberal agenda through storytelling and good fashion?
One thing that will clearly not work is cancel culture, a phenomenon that has seemed to fade a bit in the years after Trump left the White House - yes, I am drawing a direct link. But what is the opposite? Is it just talking to people of all walks of life, showing them that you are just a person and that you see them as a neighbor? Is it potentially putting yourself in harm's way to connect with a new demographic like Harper and Will did? Is it learning how to better mediate conflict? Or what?
I am genuinely not sure what will bring our country back together, especially when there are real boundaries that need to be drawn around the rights of individuals to make decisions about their own bodies. I am also not sure what the future holds for me personally as I continue to come out of my turtle shell and be who I was always meant to be.
Thank you for reading this far. Apologies to listeners of The Side Woo who may have noticed I have dropped off with episode releases. I am putting things on pause for a few weeks while I regroup.
In the meantime, as the holiday season approaches, I am available for commissions for both my usual oil paintings and my Etsy Special: black velvet paintings. For my velvet paintings I often do pet portraits, but I also love collaborating on wild ideas. I’m offering my lovely Art Date subscribers a 10% discount on the black velvet paintings, so reach out and let me know if you have an idea.
